Thursday, November 29, 2007

Lois & Clark & J'Onn & Jones (Mid-2000)


Clark Kent had gone without hot money rutting with his Earther couplemate Lois Lane for months, as she suddenly grew cold, critical, and distant in the new millenium. So basically, she was suddenly consistant with Lois’ original and longest-lived characterization. Superman tried working out some marital frustration by thrashing the moon in Action Comics #764 (April ‘00). Other folks live there...
“I hope you feel better. Another fifteen minutes and you’d have knocked us out of orbit. Want to talk about it?”
“No. Thank you, J’Onn... “
“Might help, and a lot less painful. You might not make yourself bleed on moonrock, but I’m sure that did not tickle.”
Superman began to cough violently, troubling Manhunter. “Kal-El--?”
“I--KAFF--I think maybe...Maybe I’m not okay after all.”

In an attempt to solve his matrimonial woes, Clark returned to the Watchtower with his bride, intent on having an extra-terrestrial getaway with Lois. Writer J.M. DeMatteis had the couple’s bickering continue into The Adventures of Superman #578(May ’00), before J’Onn J’Onzz...
Manhunter: “Uh... If you two would rather be alone...?”
Both: “NO!”

Superman wanted to borrow J’Onn J’Onzz’s Martian spaceship (acquired from Z’Onn Z’Orr,) but needed to learn how to fly it. While explaining this, another coughing fit kicked in. J’Onn expressed his continuing concern, but was told, “It’s nothing.” Reaching into a clearly marked bag of Oreos in the age of an editorially-forced brand switch to Chocos, “Perhaps a cookie...?”
“I thought you kicked that habit?”
”I control it now... It does not control me.”
“Of course. Now about the ship...?”
“The ship is psionic in nature... Adjusting itself to the pilot’s psyche. The actual physical demands are limited. The more you surrender to the vessel, the more it will surrender to you... Most humans would not be able to find the psychic balance required for the task.” After assuring Supes of his abilities, J’Onn let Kal-El jump into his ride...
Superman: “Swell!”
Lois: “Did he just say ‘swell?’”
J’Onn: “I believe so.”
Lois: “Sigh. You mind if I have one of those [Oreos]?”
J’Onn: Just. One.
As Superman departed, he said, “Goodbye J’Onn--and thanks!” Likely out of even the Man of Tomorrow’s earshot, J’Onzz replied, “Good luck, old friend, I think you’re going to need it.” Perhaps he sensed to some degree what readers had yet to discover, that “Lois Lane” was in fact the nefarious Rudy Jones (no relation), the Parasite in disguise, helping to poison “her husband” physically and emotionally. Superman did indeed catch on, beginning to unravel a plot against him that would guide him to foreign lands. Oh, and Parasite died, but you know as well as I do that never takes with super-villains.

2 comments:

Luke said...

You know, with DC being a subsidiary of Warners, you'd think they would have the clout to set up some sort of endorsement/advertisment deal with J'Onn and Oreos at this point. I mean, imagine it, The Manhunter from Mars beaming out at consumers from the store shelves, happily munching Oreo cookies and bedecked with a milk moustache on his green lip? They could do commercials where crooks try to rob a bank or something, only to be stopped by MM, who then enjoys his favorite sweet while gloating over his captured foes. Great Caesar's Ghost, it's brillant!

Frank Lee Delano said...

Indeed! Of course, there was Keith Giffen's plan to treat Oreos as a chemical dependency problem, before the idea got scuttled by Legal, though continued allusions likely led to the switch to the "Chocos" brand name.