Friday, December 4, 2009
JLA Classified #16 (March 2006)
Every now and again, some no good writer will take the greatest super-hero team of all time, and pit them against some penny-ante third world dictator to make some labored political point, or just because they have the imagination of a goldfish. General Dvory Tuzik was not the product of such a limited mind.
At the unanimous request of the United Nations Security Council, the JLA was allowed entry into a sovereign nation to engage its army and apprehend its leader. Wally West, ever right leaning, cursed General Tuzik at length for his many atrocities. J'Onn J'Onzz helped cool his overheated head. "Not to worry, Flash. With thousands of his subjects willing to testify, General Tuzik here will be adding another title to his name-- 'convicted war criminal.'" However, "While you were planning your illegal assault on my rule... my ambassador brokered a deal for clemency and peaceful exile in my choice of eight nations on three continents. Once there, I shall enjoy a retirement of wealth, liquor, very young women, and fine cigars, morning 'til night." Not only that, but a Leaguer would have to serve as his escort to insure his safe passage. Wonder Woman volunteered to fly the General to his new home in China.
Back at the Watchtower, the Flash continued to argue for interventionism, while the League observed heavy media criticism of their politically-charged mission. Meanwhile, via teleconference, General Tuzik used the fears of world leaders to his advantage. "Each country has at least a rudimentary counter-meta contingency... If your plan fails, then you bring down a wrath no human army can stay... Let me take the risk. I have no country. I am already in exile... Give me your doomsday measures, and I promise... I will again make this a world of men!"
Three months later in Three Sisters, Oregon, the entire town began acting in a strange concert. Investigating, the Flash got close enough to be kissed, and soon fell victim to a virus that threw his powers into overdrive. The JLA took measures to quarantine the town and take care of their own. Under Batman's guidance, Green Lantern John Stewart constructed a microscope with his ring to investigate the cause of the Scarlet Speedster's feverish state. "My God... he's full of Starro!" Countless microscopic reproductions of the mind conquering alien starfish were swimming through the hero's body.
In China, General Dvory Tuzik saw to the continued maintenance of his greatest asset, the Hypothetical Woman. "In short-- she gives birth to gods!"
"Never Brought To Mind" was expertly scripted by Gail Simone, daringly penciled by José Luis García-López, and butchered by inker Klaus Janson.